New Code to Unlock New World

            I don’t want to be the baby girl of my parents anymore! A year ago on my nineteenth birthday, I said that I had a wish for my new age, but it didn’t change a lot until I moved to the United States last year. Looking back, I see how I have changed in the last few months. To be honest, I used to be a daughter who always asked before I did anything, which I soon found that it didn’t work in the United States. I was stuck in the middle of two different worlds. I tried to figure out how I could survive between two different cultures.Could I forget my old self to totally engage in the new one, since my old code didn’t work to unlock the new world that I am facing. Definitely, the answer should be NO. Therefore, I tried to find the balance between my two worlds. In a word, it’s high time for me to find the new code to unlock the new world.

The most visible change is that I am not a daughter who always asks anymore. I make decisions myself and do things myself. A year ago, my mother answered my call and told me for the hundredth time “Of course you can choose to break with friends who makes you feel uncomfortable, honey.” I used to describe myself as a princess in my family because everyone loves me. To put it more bluntly, I was spoiled to some extent. Like many Asian parents, my parents told me that I didn’t have to worry about anything except for studying. I cannot remember when was the last time I made a decision fully by myself. It is not only my willingness to ask, but also the existing habit I have kept from childhood to adulthood. Take my family trip for an example. My parents used to ask me where we should go for a trip when I was little. It sounds great, right? I would agree if I didn’t finally end up arriving at a place I never mentioned. The final decision was always made by adults. Without knowing it, I was taught to be an obedient daughter due to a lot of things that happened before. But now, due to my parents’ language limitation, living in Chicago has provided me with a new world where I have to make most of the decisions myself. I refused to make any phone calls when I was in China because I was afraid of talking to strangers. This feeling grew stronger, since I had to make a lot of phone calls in a language that I was not familiar with!  I would never forget the feeling when I first made a phone call to open my bank account seven months ago. I was so nervous, my pronunciation was poor, and my hands were shaking. I was thankful that it was a phone call, so the banker could only heard my poor English not my embarrassed face. But now, seven months have passed, and I called to inquire about different kinds of auto insurance. “Thank you, have a good one.” Said the customer service agent. As the last echo of her voice dissolved, I felt the last page of my youth turn, silently and irrevocably. 

However, over the past few months, I could feel a new version of myself began to emerge. I saw a different me since I am getting used to the new life in Chicago. I got shocked when I was taking my first class in the United States. I found that no one here is waiting to be ordered to do something. In the group task, everyone was actively leading instead of waiting for the tasks to be assigned. Even my politely asking of “What should we do to continue?” might be considered as a lack of initiative. My old code from Chinese world failed to unlock the American world. One afternoon, I was texting my friends and waiting for their reply as usual, I suddenly realized that I haven’t been hanging out with any one in the past few months. I don’t have one friend in this country that I could talk with. I never imagined that one day I wouldn’t have any friends in a new country, but I don’t feel a strong sense of loneliness. I could not help questioning myself at that moment. Am I still me? Have I totally lost myself in this translation? I spent the afternoon thinking about it. Before I fell asleep, my answer was revealed. Some things are indeed lost, not because they are unimportant, but because the soil can not sustain their roots. Yet, from the same soil, I learned how to grow for different directions. They are stronger in some ways, lonelier in others, but undeniably alive.

It is indeed not just about my growth, but more than a microcosm of immigrant experience. What I have been struggling with is not just a question about “keep” or “delete”. It is more about how to find a new one of myself in the obstacle of translation. I do carry a lot from past, including those scars that cannot be erased, reminding me what I had been through, showing how fiercely I worked to be my new self. In that way, I finally found the new code to unlock my new world.