Hiding Myself

 Lei Bi

        I often hang out and drank with my friends when I was in China, and we not only talked about anything, but also there was nobody offended by us when we talked in English. However, when I arrived the United States, the situation changed. I was so nervous and looked around if there were Americans while who were looking at me because I saying a word in Chinese might make many Americans in general confused. Thus, it makes me think deeply why this word always misleads Americans. I can't speak Chinese wherever I want to now because there are a language barrier and a cultural gap between China and the United States. I try to hide a par of myself to adapt American life.

        Now that I am living in the United States, I realize that unknown expressions might confuse Americans. Therefore, I need to watch my mouth when I speak Chinese. I am always so nervous when I speak Chinese with my parents or friends. There is a word in Chinese, "Na Ge" that means" that/which", and the pronunciation is very similar with "N" word. For example, I went to Costco with my parents yesterday, and my mother said "Na Ge" many times when we were ready to leave. My searching "Na Ge" word- radar immediately turned on, and I mentioned that there were a few African Americans behind us. Some people either started to look us but with a confusing face or didn't look at us but talked with their friends with a smile. Fortunately, there were no people that could hear us. I was thinking that we avoided a misunderstanding after the situation. Why does it make me so nervous? Why does it affect my daily communication? Many questions grow in my mind. I think it is because our language barrier that zooms in our language- culture between China and the United States. Some common words I say are wrong in the United States. Therefore, it will mislead many people who never see or understand each other's culture. In some ways, it is a stereotype.

        By comparison, I always spoke English in China before, but now I rarely speak Chinese in public in the United States. Conversely, American people who speak English in public in China will be very welcome. As I said, I always mentioned my Chinese expressions in public. However, there is an opposite situation in China. I often scroll the short videos on social media. Many celebrities travel in China and ask for help from a local people. Many local people enthusiastically help them, so here is a strange point. Why does the same situation have a very different result? I think if I speak English, I will get respect in China because western culture influenced a lot of Chinese people and affected their roots in sub-consciousness. However, it is hard to speak Chinese in public in the United States because of a different political system and cultural gap.

        When I just arrived in the United States, I imagined a better life than my Chinese life. However, reality has hit me hard. It is very different than my imagination. I lost my Chinese social environment, and I need to always be careful when I say "Na Ge". Therefore, I can't speak Chinese whenever I want. Have I really improved my living quality? My answer is yes, but I have hidden a part of myself, which is my Chinese language culture and Chinese identity adapt American life. My new life if not a mistake because all I have done and accomplished has created a new better life.